CHRIS PENN R.I.P. / BUSH AND ABRAMOFF / K STREET CHAOS INNOCENT QUESTIONS Innocent Question #7298347 ~ Who in the name of high holy FUCK designs the sets for Preznit Dubya's political rallies? Albert Speer Jr!? Whatever the explanation, this kind of crap is getting old. Innocent Question #7298348 ~ Does the fact that Sean Penn's overweight, chain-smoking, hard-living younger brother Chris was found dead shortly after finishing work on a movie called The Darwin Awards qualify as irony, or is it merely a coincidence? Innocent Question #7298349 ~ Once The Powers That Be start using these cameras to separate the healthy people from the diseased, how long will it be before they start using these guns to blast identity-chips into our flabby asses so they can more easily track us... for our own good, of course? Innocent Question #7298350 ~ Why is the White House gunning for Google's search logs when they could simply pay a team of College Republican to Google random terms for a week, thus getting the same information without having to breach anyone's privacy? Is it because a) they want to arrogate yet another previously non-existent power unto themselves, or b) they want to put the Fear of Big Brother into the minds of the hoi polloi? Innocent Question #7298351 ~ Why do federal judges insist on issuing rulings that the White House is only going to ignore, anyway? I mean, come on! Does Judge Rakoff really believe the Defense Department is going to release the identities of hundreds of Guantanamo Bay detainees, just because he says they have to? Does he really think Stonewall Cheney and his co-conspirators -- the same people who continue to jealously hoard those Abu Ghraib torture videos and Energy Taskforce Meeting minutes, court orders be damned -- can be shamed into compliance? Doesn't he know they have no shame? Innocent Question #7298352 ~ How many of TIME Magazine's as-yet-unreleased photographs of Preznit Dubya hanging out with disgraced Republican super-lobbyist Jack Abramoff do you think are "full frontal" shots? Innocent Question #7298353 ~ Now that Paul Wolfowitz is turning out to be almost as big a flop as the head of the World Bank as he was an Assistant Defense Secretary, what next for the comb-sucking neocon? The chairmanship of NASA, perhaps? Or a stint as Secretary General of the United Nations? Only time will tell. Innocent Question #7298354 ~ If, as the White House insists, their illegal eavesdropping program was only used to monitor Americans who are communicating with al-Qaeda -- and if, as government whistleblowers and high ranking elected officials have detailed, thousands upon thousands of individuals and groups have been targeted by said program -- why haven't there been any mass roundups of these alleged terrorist associates? What the hell are they waiting for? The next New Pearl Harbor? Innocent Question #7298355 ~ Why are so many people worried that new pre-natal tests to detect Down Syndrome will cause more parents to choose abortion, when supervillains breeding unstoppable mongoloid armies constitutes the far more terrifying threat? Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 23 On this day in 1870, U.S. cavalrymen under the command of General Eugene M. Baker massacre more than 300 Piegan indians, mostly women and children, in the worst case of mistaken identity to take place during the 19th century's so-called Indian Wars. Baker and his men were out to avenge the death of a white trader who'd been murdered after beating up a Piegan horse theif in front of his tribe. Upon surrounding the wrong tribe's quiet encampment (the men were out hunting), Baker told his troops to remember that "nits make lice", a motto he would utter to indicate that children should not be spared. On this day in 1983, Björn Borg announces his retirement from tennis. In response, representatives for the Society for the Preservation of the Umlaut file an official complaint with the ATP. On this day in 1986, a pedophile, a golden shower enthusiast, a heroin fiend and a wife-beating, angel-dust-scarfing psychopath are all among the first inductees in Cleveland's Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame. Do your own research if you're curious!

THEY SAID IT! "The Administration plan is inconsistent with the law passed by Congress with bipartisan support. The loopholes which allow continued testing on pregnant women, infants and children are contrary to law and widely accepted ethical guidelines, including the Nuremberg code. The fact that EPA allows pesticide testing of any kind on the most vulnerable, including abused and neglected children, is simply astonishing." - If Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) thinks the White House revisions to the Congressional moratorium against testing pesticides on humans are bad, wait until she gets a load of their proposed Tying Helpless Maidens to the Railroad Tracks legislation. *** **** *** "Doesn't Stephen Harper look like the kind of actor a US or US-but-produced-in-Canada TV show uses as the bad guy when they can't afford a British actor? You know the kind of guy. Grey hair, so white you can practically see through his skin into his circulatory system, with the kind of unblinking half-glower that let's you know that no matter what he's talking about, he's actually thinking about shoving pregnant lesbians tits-first into a woodchipper." - Comix auteur Warren Ellis isn't pleased with the results of Monday's Canadian elections, which saw a small Conservative Party minority, under the think-tank-tutored leadership of free marketeer Stephen Harper, tentatively taking up the reins of power.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Herb K! One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and he then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a terrific sex life." Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Nasir for sending in today's second joke. A man had two great tickets for the Football Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?" He says, "well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married." "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Wally. A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant. The husband kept looking over at a nearby table where a lady sat in a drunken stupor. The wife asks "I notice you've been watching that lady for some time now. Do you know her?" "Yes" he replies, "she's my ex-wife, and has been drinking like that since I left her seven years ago." "That's unbelievable" the wife replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: CALLING DOWN THE THUNDER care of: Cardina Dear Jerky, Here's my question to Mayor Ray Nagin, Pat Robertson and the rest of the Bible Thumpers. When do we start sacrificing virgins to the volcano? Because surely the gods have been angered. "Woe onto he who attempts to divide the Land of the Aleutians for petrol by way of a back door amendment to a defense budget bill." Book of Tools 13:69. This ecological happening is surely God's wrath. Seattle is seeing record rainfall, flooding and shortages of non-dairy creamer. Who didn't see this coming as a spiteful response by Jehovah almighty. Do these sanctimonious bastards think they can turn their backs on a celebraties pain without consequences? God has also turned his attention to The Big Apple this week where Homeless people are actually freezing to death in January. I weep for this nation, fear for her peoples and wonder when and why this God of ours became so damned angry. The only answer I have is Virgins. Let's round 'em up. It's 2006 folks, maybe if we would of started doing this a few thousand years ago we wouldn't be in this mess. Remember, NO Fatties. God don't like 'em either. - Cardina [Guess my fat ass ain't getting Raptured, then. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky; As the scandals swirl and become harder to sweep under the rug, whaddayaknow but good ol' Osama bails them out with a perfectly timed statement of intent to attack America. This is a distraction of the highest order. If you want to determine that the warning is completely full of shit, watch the first 10 or so minutes of the 1/19/06 press briefing and see Shitpile squirm. I know you know how to spot a liar by his facial expressions and verbal cadence, watch it and tell me I'm wrong. Bush didn't find out until after some dumbass speech he gave? Yeah, right... jack [It sure was conveeeeenient. - Jerky] *** **** *** MopJ, Have some well-deserved appreciation. Thanks for the greatest summation of 2005 yet: "What the fuck was THAT all about!?" You should be praised for refusing to submit to "outrage fatigue", despite the false but tempting solace it offers. "Oh well, nothing we can do or say about it, might as well give up, watch TV, wait for the Xanax to kick in and go to bed." Finally, kudos on doing a fucking amazing job of finding timely and truly interesting (in every sense of that word) links, freeing this reader to waste his own time in other, less productive manners, such as reading Dirtfiles at work and ranting against the sheer brutal hell of it all. Yop, ABC [Thanks for the push. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I think you and I should auction off the boys in D.C. to the highest bidder like they do anyway, only we would do it in the open. We take 10% off the top. And spend it on hookers and drugs. Nothing would change but we would live the way we want to. No more back room shit. A open auction in front of the world. Oh Well... Puff puff pass. RASTY [The likes of you and I could never afford it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, The people who use Thunderbird and Mozzilla need to get an extension called "Launchy" then open the email link in Thunderbird, OE does lock up without sending. I check the site daily and have for at least 5 years, I think you are doing a great job of showing insight and restraint, with the research you do I would probably have written some articles that got me arrested. Keep up the good work. Sparky One [Thank you! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky!! Just wanted to say again how much I love reading the Dirt! You have a way of putting my thoughts into words and you're so fuckin' funny! There are a few folks here in my area that I know for a fact read the Dirt regularly, since they responded in person to my writings to you. Yes, I read/watch the "news" but I'm aware how biased most of it is. I get my real news from the Dirt, so I sure hope you don't plan on going anywhere! Much peace & love to you! Sindy [Stop it! I'm blushing over here! - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, That uglitron's cavern is big but a fellow Mississippian told me, "Naw, Ron, Ya jus' stick in a ten pound ham and pull out the bone to shore it up"! Peace, R.E.P. [I'll never eat ham again. Wait... that's a lie. I'll eat ham the next chance I get. - Jerky] *** **** *** God damn it Jerky. What the fuck is this shit all about? -- and this shit man! ... WTF? Unfuckingplug The Computer or go to jail man. It's game over man, Game Over! Jim H [Seems pretty clear to me. - Jerky] *** **** *** Howdy Jerky, What do you make of this? ES&S pulls out of 1.8 million dollar deal in Florida. Perhaps there's some reason ES&S wants Floridians to vote on Diebold machines??? Whatever the reason, I'm sure walking away from 1.8 million wasn't just about their need to develop an "effective partnership." Or perhaps there's more to developing a partnership with ES&S than merely writing them a check. Maybe promising not to conduct hack tests on their equipment would have done the trick. Take care, sagebrush [Maybe they're getting spooked? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com